NOODLESFOREVER

2006-04-16T22:11:00.000-07:00

Holiday on Koh Phangan

2006-04-06T01:06:00.000-07:00

Wisdom

I'm killing time while Angela's having her wisdom teeth yanked in the back room of a Chinese shophouse. In the glass window of the storefront, there's a big ol' electric molar standing on its four roots. It's scotch taped to a plastic end table. Beside the toof, chillin' in its purple glow, there's a dirty bottle of Singer's wood glue and a wrinkly cactus. Minor Surgery In Southeast Asia: sweet bargain or bad idea?

2006-04-06T00:12:00.000-07:00

Thaksin

Okay, so here's the thing: Political stability seems to be deteriorating fairly quickly in Thailand, particularly in Bangkok. Feeling a bit underqualified and overwhelmed by the task, I've avoided writing about the situation for nearly a month. Also, I didn't wanna give stateside worry worts (moms) any food for their hungry ulcers. But, since things here have been getting increasing attention from Western media, I guess some blogspot commentary is finally due.

So, the problems revolve around Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra. This dude and his Thai Rak Thai (Thai Love Thai...huh?) Party were elected to a second term of power in February 2005 after a landslide poll victory. For those unfamiliar with Thaksin, he's not unlike Italy's Silvio Burlesconi - a wealthy businessman-cum-politician with his paws in all corners of the country's economy. He rules the country as a CEO would a corporation.

In recent months, Thaksin has fallen under mounting criticism. The most common allegations include election misconduct, tax evasion, shady business deals, and his hardliner stance on the Muslim unrest in Thailand's southern province. Most of the criticism seems to come from Bangkok's middle and upper classes, taking the form of massive rallies, sit-ins, and marches. On three occasions, chanting crowds and booming megaphones have interrupted my classes. My students and I pause by the classroom window to watch a sea of protestors marching through the street below.

Thus far, the protests have been peaceful but the situation has become increasingly tense. Thaksin's supporters, mostly the poor and rural classes who elected the Prime Minister under his promises of subsidized aid, have gained mobility, in effect giving the instability a scary class-conflict component.

Initially refusing to step down but somewhat yielding to the pressure, Thaksin called for snap elections on April 2. Accusing Thai Rak Thai officials of corruption, all of the opposition parties boycotted the election. Voters could cast a ballot in favor of Thaksin or choose a "no vote" option. Thaksin won the elections with far more votes than were anticipated by his critics. Whether or not this is due to shady vote-counting remains to be seen. In any case, the election resolved very little for the opposition movement. On Tuesday, Thaksin bowed to pressure and agreed to step down as Prime Minister but vowed to continue serving in Parliament. Determined to completely uproot Thaksin from Thai politics, the protestors have continued protesting.

From my perspective as a busy teacher who cannot speak or read Thai, it's difficult to gauge all the nuan ces of what's happening. Cynics seem to think both sides are corrupt and primarily concerned with their own interests. Many observers also speculate that much (too much?) of the discontent relates to the Thaksin family's recent sale of its shares of Shin Corp, Thailand's largest telecommunications company, to Singaporean investors. According to this analysis, Bangkok's business elite were angered by the passing of control of a national asset into the hands of foreigners. It is also believed that the Thaksin family evaded taxes on the sale. Thaksin's supporters argue that his policies have helped the country's poor. The opposition has responded to this argument by producing photos of Thai Rak Thai officials buying provincial votes and slipping bribes.

Many people hope that the King of Thailand, long revered as a keeper of the peace, will intervene and diffuse the situation. So far, however, he has stayed behind closed doors - rumored to be sick and frail in his old age. In any event, the turmoil seems unlikely to fizzle away, at least without some sort of climax.

As for how this all relates to me and Angela, I doubt our safety will be compromised. If there is violence (as there was during similar Thai protest movements in the last 30 years), we'll simply avoid it. I was, however, disappointed to learn that it's illegal for me to buy an after-work-Singha on election day. I guess the government doesn't want alcohol to interfere with voter turnout...or voter behavior.

2006-03-16T00:58:00.000-08:00

Holiday in Cambodia

Stefan flew into Bangkok and twelve hours later he, Angela, and I woke up to catch a 7am flight to Phnom Pehn.

Phnom Pehn is a dusty, potholed city with a creepy history of Khmer Rouge scariness. In 1975, Pol Pot purged the city, driving all its residents into prisons or hard labor projects in the countryside. Except for a few prisons and administrative buildings, the capital was a vacant ghost town for four years until the Vietnamese ousted Pol Pot from power.

These days, those residents who survived the Khmer Rouge have returned but the city still feels kinda weird and ghostly. Blackouts are common, many streets are rutted and unpaved, and, according to my guidebook, guns and drugs make for a fair bit of nighttime shadiness.

Still, many parts of the city are really interesting and fun to explore. Near the river front, rows of crumbly cement shophouses curve around corners, making shady canyons in the dingy sidestreets. Nearby, there's a massive dome-roofed market around which beggars beg, men scowl and shout, and old ladies sell slimy pink meats in clouds of insects. In the quiet alleys, French colonial mansions lurk behind overgrown gardens, operating as restaurant-barbershop-squat-schools or some other hybrid semi-business. Angela, Stefan, and I sat down at one such spot hoping to score some coffee but only received deadpan stares, some bottled water, and confused brains: "What the hell is this place?"

Phnom Pehn's streets are packed with motorbikes. The stream of puttering engines is so thick that pedestrians can only cross in baby steps. Exercising highly questionable and totally mother-unsettling judgement, we decided to rent some motorbikes of our own. Bike messengering in Philly did very little to prepare me for Cambodian road logic. Basically, we played high stakes bumper cars all day while amused Cambodians stared at the pale-faced fools who'd stupidly chosen to gamble their lives in P.P.'s Road Rivers of Chaos. Needless to say, driving a motorbike in Cambodia is fun as hell. We cruised outside the city and passed miles of road-side markets and waving school kids. Fortunately, none of us got hurt. Unfortunately, the sun turned me into a crispy blistered lobster. Also, there's a small pile of Cambodian road silt sitting in each of my lungs. In retrospect, a handkerchief respirator would have been a good idea.

2006-01-24T23:53:00.000-08:00

Grotty

I live in a large, cement apartment block on a quiet back alley. My boss, who recommended the pad, described the building's outward appearance as "grotty." This is accurate. From the street, the monster looks like something you might see in Belgrade or some formerly communist city with a scary history. Its white paint is stained with grime and, in many places, has completely chipped away in large chunks, revealing the natural sidewalk-cement color hiding behind the halfass mask. In some places, the facade itself is getting a bit crumbly too. At one corner, an exposed drain pipe leaks a waterfall of slime into a strange-smelling street-side puddle. At a nearby overhang, a cracked piling reveals what appears to be the building's inards (pipes and wires and whatnot) held in place by silver electric tape. Jesus, was this mammoth cinder block assembled with duct tape?

Despite its "grotty" exterior and the somewhat disconcerting fact that I could probably knock the fucker over with a small sports coupe, the 10-story cement lego still manages to look really cool. While apartment hunting, the building was the only spot I scoped which looked like home.

Unlike a few intrusively sparkly (garrish?) condo towers nearby, the my apartment building sits well amidst its equally grotty brothers and sisters, seeming at ease in the mazelike network of alleys and noodleshops of the surrounding Aree Market. While the not-so-distant condo towers loom behind their locked gates like outsiders with suspicious intentions, my building looks more like the neighborhood's dignified and righteous civic leader. Its weathered exterior and central neighborhood location stand as testament to its trustworthiness; this building's here to serve the human community. Plus, its plant-covered balconies spill tropical foliage over their railings, giving the appearance that the grot-block houses a magical ecosystem.

2006-01-04T21:52:00.000-08:00

Again

Back by popular demand:

Mike Ball
Apartment 3/217
Aree Condo
3 Soi Aree 2 Phaholyothin Road
Phayathai, Bangkok 10400
Thailand

2006-01-04T20:13:00.000-08:00

Vang Vieng, Laos

Historically, adventure-seeking roughians traveled the earth along trade routes. They congregated in remote outposts to buy and sell, curse and drink, and chat up the local ladies. These days, the global economy's running shit a bit differently. Now, the remote outposts are holiday destinations for college students and quasi-bohemians with big backpacks. However, the buying, selling, cursing, drinking, and lady shmoozing continue.

Angela and I left Vientiane on a bus bound for the Laos countryside. We bumped along dusty dirt roads and swerved around dusty kids pedalling oversized bicycles. We passed rickety bamboo house-huts half buried in the jungle canopy. Villagers in conical hats tended to roadside rice paddies and I felt about as far from home as I've ever felt. After a few hours, the mountains grew into vertical stone skyscrapers and the road turned into a slithering snake. We twisted about on the snake-road for a while before arriving at the riverside village of Vang Vieng. The village has zero traffic lights (after all, there's only 27 in Lao's capitol city), only a couple of semi-paved roads, and intermittant electricity. Many of the village's buildings are fashioned form a haphazard mix of bamboo, sticks, and jagged planks of weathered wood. Here, halfway around the world from home and deep inside one of the world's poorest, most underdeveloped countries, westerners drink Beer Laos and wander muddy streets in sport sandals.

2006-01-04T20:04:00.000-08:00

Holidays Abroad

Significant holidays I've spent abroad:
4th July 2000, Dubrovnik, Croatia
4th July 2002, Ensenada, Mexico
birthday number 22, some beach, Mexico
4th July 2005, Bangkok, Thailand
birthday number 25, Chiang Mai, Thailand
Thanksgiving 2005, Bangkok, Thailand
Christmas 2005, Bangkok, Thailand
New Year's 2006, Vang Vieng, Laos

We celebrated the New Year at an open air bamboo bar overlooking the Song River. Me, Angela, and a couple dozen other Westerners, all sipping Beer Lao and drinking whiskey from small yellow beach pales. I stood beside a palm tree and watched as, off in the distance, away from the center of the party, a middle aged Laotian funneled cheap liquors into name brand bottles.

According to Lao national law, all bars and restaurants must close by midnight. Somehow, probably through some behind the scenes string-pulling and bribe slipping, Vang Vieng's riverside establishments - the ones exclusively patroned by backpacking party animals - were exempt from the curfew. Maybe the authorities recognize the importance in keeping the dollar spenders happy in a dusty rural village.

2006-01-04T19:54:00.000-08:00

Mutmee Guesthouse, Nong Khai

By far one of the nicest, most interesting places we've stayed in Thailand. A community of Thai and foreign yoga enthusiasts, cooks, musicians, and artists has occupied a cluster of two-story teak buildings and thatched huts overlooking the Mekong River. The whole utopian village is built around a scenic garden furnished with teak tables, chairs, and hammocks. Guests feel more like lucky members of a visionary collective than third world resort patrons.

Last night, while brushing my teeth, I heard mysterious music coming from a mysterious source. I opened the shuttered windows of our second floor room to look down upon a single guitar-picking man singing alone in a tiny garden. He sat beneath a bare lightbulb hung in a tree, bearded and dressed in intricately patterned fisherman pants, looking like some kinda neo-hippie messiah. Where the hell am I?

2005-12-29T06:07:00.000-08:00

Doggies

It's the cool season in Southeast Asia and temperature averages have plumitted to blistering room temperature conditions. All the mangy Bangkok streeg dogs are wearing sweaters and old T-shirts, no joke. It's a weird scene, almost like some art school prankster is secretly distributing the contents of his little sister's closet each night. In the morning, all the dogs are sporting her threads. I mean, how else would a flea-ridden quadraped get his paws on a Winnie the Pooh skirt?

Actually, I'm pretty sure the anthropomorphic winter tradition stems from a Buddhist concern for all life, including that of those with fur and scabies. But still, it's a bit dizzying to walk through an ever-growing circus of stylish muts each morning on my way to the train.

2005-12-29T06:02:00.000-08:00

Holiday

Today was the first day of our winter holiday. We woke up before dawn to catch and overcrowded bus to Nong Khai, the Thai border town across the Mekong River from Laos. Thirteen hours on the stuffy, slow-moving vehicle gave me a numb ass but also plenty of time to defragment my mental harddrive, allowing backed up thoughts to process and finally settle in my brains's filing cabinets. After four months of screaming students, vegetating on a bus all day ain't half bad, even if I do have to share my seat with a flatulating weirdo who stares at me for half the journey.

2005-12-29T06:00:00.000-08:00

Neo-colonialists

"My husband and I own a garment factory in Laos. Yes, the government there just loves us because we give all those poor people jobs."

-lipsticked woman standing in front of me in line at the American Embassy in Bangkok.

2005-12-08T02:06:00.000-08:00

Bangkok Construction

Seriously, when will this city be complete? All over Bangkok, on every thoroughfare and back street, towers are being raised by fraggle-like teams of flip flopped migrant workers. Dressed in denim, matching T-shirts, and colorful helmets, these guys spend their waking hours climbing around in tangles of rebar and scaffolding. The racket of their jackhammers and bulldozers is inescapeable. The fraggles begin their work early each morning soon after sunrise. By noon, a thick cloud of orange dust has risen around them. The fraggles shuffle around in this hot dust cloud all day, hammering into the night. Finally, long after the sun has set, they quit their mess-making (construction) to collapse in hastily built shacks lining the construction site's periphery. These dudes are tough.

2005-11-17T00:02:00.000-08:00

Book Review: VERY THAI: EVERYDAY THAI POPULAR CULTURE by Philip Cornwel-Smith Photographs by John Goss

Hardbound and tastefully organized with lotsa cool photos, this book's got all the vital data on street-level Thailand. All questions regarding bagged coffee, Red Bull-swilling motorcycle taxi drivers, and other curious aspects of the Bangkok streetscape are answered within its pages. A must read for anyone who's ever visited Thailand and thought twice about urban elephants and phallic key chains.

Basically, these dudes stole my thunder. This is freestyle anthro-journalism at its flaneuring best.

2005-10-25T04:22:00.000-07:00

Human-powered

Where can I get a cool bicycle on the cheap in this motorized mess of a megalopolis?

2005-10-20T01:17:00.000-07:00

Ko Si Chang

After 4 consecutive weeks trapped in Bangkok's mess, I gave my lungs a vacation. After skytraining to Ekkamai, busing to Si Racha, tuk tuking to the Ko Si Chang pier, and ferrying to the island, I was able to breath freely.

Boasting a population of 5,000, Ko Si Chang is a small fishing island a few kilometers off the coast of Si Racha. Virtually untouched by anything remotely commercial, the island's relaxed attitude almost makes Vientianne look like Vegas.

After landing a $5 cottage at a vacant guest house, I spent the afternoon wandering through the village's meandering back alleys and shouting "Sawatee Khap!" (Hello!) at all the dusty kids who followed me around.

One of the coolest aspects of traveling is seeing the insides of other people's homes. Sometimes - especially in unfamiliar countries - domestic space feels like a perfectly curated museum, providing unparalleled insight into others' lives. Plus, it's seriously fascinating to see how different people choose to organize their museums, both spatially and aesthetically.

Being that most homes on Ko Si Chang seem closer in spirit to elaborate, overflowing treeforts than "proper" four-walled buildings (How else to say?), I got a pretty good look at everyone's not-so-private quarters. My synopsis: a cluttered-but-tidy-Buddhist-themed-Swiss-Family-Robinson motif is very popular on the island. The contents of these teak forts spill onto the streets in piles of curries and miscellanea-for-sale.

Looming above the central village, there's a really beautiful Chinese temple perched on the side of a small mountain. Not knowing what the hell it was but thinking that it's obviously the type of thing farangs travel to the Orient to see, I set off to take a closer look.

About four sweaty kilometers later, I was chatting it up with some dude at the base of the temple. I told him where I was from and he told me about his Philadelphia Eagles t-shirt. Small world.

I also met some nice kids who wanted nothing more than to climb the temple steps and shout "Hello!" and "Beautiful!" with me for about 10 minutes. I must admit, it was pretty fun.

2005-10-20T01:13:00.000-07:00

Si Racha

I can now say I've been to Si Racha, the Thai town famed for spicy chili sauce. After 2 years of religious and liberal use of the Si Racha squirt bottle in the Buckingham kitchen, the trip felt like a damn pilgrimage. Unfortunately, it also felt like a sweltering furnace. For this reason, I spent a maximum of 20 minutes in the city before hopping a tropical island-bound ferry.

2005-10-20T00:59:00.000-07:00

Land of Smiles

Famed for its happy faces, Thailand is often referred to as the Land of Smiles. In Thailand, a stern or unhappy face is the mark of the grotesque. This is an especially important piece of cultural knowledge for foreigners, particulaly us Anglo types whose naturally stern countenance tends to be a little off-putting for Thais. The unfamiliar manners of farangs (foreigners) is already enough to warrant suspicion. This "original sin" coupled with a language barrier means that a bigass grin is one's biggest asset in proving he's an okay dude.

Thais smile and laugh to express happiness, to mend conflict, and to diffuse embarrassing situations. While this can also be said of smiles in Western societies, things in Thailand are still a bit different. For example, in a crowded shopping mall food court, I saw a man bump into and spill a stranger's tray of food then immediately burst into laughter. In the West, this would probably be regarded as antagonistic, showing the tray-bumper's lack of concern over the problems he'd caused. However, in Thailand the laughter is meant to save face on behalf of everyone involved and to gesture that no ill will was intended.

So, if you come to Thailand, be prepared to constantly wear a silly grin. Otherwise, everyone'll think you're a jerk.

2005-10-12T21:43:00.000-07:00

Spirit Houses

Most Thais believe in a fourth dimension of nonliving souls - or ghosts - existing alongside the living. While many deceased spirits are regarded as being benevolent, Thais, much like westerners, are still pretty spooked by the thought of having to share a kitchen with a long-dead white-haired granny.

To appease the spirt (or spirits) who reside within its walls, every Thai structure -from office tower to teak shack - has a spirit house. The spirit house is a shrine of sorts that generally sits somewhere in front of the building's main entrance or off to the side. While some of these shrines are mere platforms which rest like tiny treeforts between a nearby tree's branches, most are independent structures, usually looking like a miniature temple sitting atop a one-legged table. Occasionally, such as in the case of the Erawan Shrine at the Erawan Hotel, a small spirit house proves to be an ineffective ghost-pleaser and a much more extravagant, sometimes gazebo-esque spirit house is built. Many of Bangkok's larger structures and shopping malls have particularly large spirit houses to commemorate the large number of workers who died during the buildings' construction.

Each morning, a building's residents or employees stop at the spirit house to pray and offer incense, street vendor curries, coffee, and soda to the dead. These items are left open on the shrine's main platform. When I walk to the nearby skytrain station in the early morning, the streets are filled with incense smoke and each sidewalk spirit house looks like the foggy scene of an abandoned party. Many Thais repeat this ritual each evening.

While most Thais regard the importance accorded to spirit houses as a Buddhist practice, I've read and been told that it's actually animist in origin, predating both Buddhism and Hinduism.

2005-10-04T23:01:00.000-07:00

October School

For many Thai students, October is a holiday month. Because so many English-hungry teens take this opportunity to enroll in some extra-curricular courses at IH, this makes things twice as busy for me.

I've done nothing but teach, plan lessons, and sleep for six days. I may or may not be bald by November.

2005-09-21T00:13:00.000-07:00

Mekong River

After learning that our phone doesn't work outside of Thailand, Angela and I walked to the edge of the Mekong where we could see Thai mobile phone towers just across the river. I checked in with the bossman at International House and watched the murky river that forms the Thai-Laos border at Vientiane. Serving a diversity of economic and transportation purposes, this mighty chocolate milk shake is the geographic heart and soul of Laos and, for that matter, a host of other Asian peoples too.

To enter Laos, Angela and I crossed the Asian Old Muddy at the Laos-Thai Friendship Bridge. We filled out some applications, donated some passport-sized photos, paid some fees, and were eventually allowed to enter a Laos-bound shuttle bus ("No, you cannot walk across the Friendship Bridge" says everyone). Even from behind bus windows, the Mekong was awe-inspiring and totally sweet, especially considering the weight of history along its path. All the pedestrians who were somehow awarded Asian-native (or counterfit-Levi-smuggler) bridge-crossing priveleges seemed impressed too. Everyone stopped at the bridge's peak to lean over the railing and catch a glimpse of the chocolate flow.

In Vientiane, a handful of cool cafes sit along the river. Despite being slightly tourist-targeted, I highly recommend this area for people-watching, loafing, and soaking up the vibes. I also recommend cafe lao, a coffee concoction which appears to be a silty iced pint of the Mekong itself. At night, all the city's life-lovers gather by the river to drink beer, eat curries, and parlay in impromptu outdoor cafes. One night while we were in Vientiane, a group of 50 or so women, all dressed in spandex and sweatpants, gathered in a large, riverside pagoda to do aerobic leg lifts while American pop songs blasted through a PA. Lao teens with nothing to do leaned on motorbikes to watch the weirdness. Angela and I did the same, sans motorbike.

Dear Mekong River,
You are very cool and your vibes are quite righteous.
Love,
Mike

Footnote:
When the shuttle bus arrived on the Laos bank, its wheels were immediately hosed off by little men hiding in Chernobyl-style rubber suits. 'Sup with that?

2005-09-20T23:42:00.000-07:00

Vientiane, population 160,000

Angela and I finished teaching at 7:30pm. By 8:30, we were sweating our asses off on an overnight train to Nong Khai, a Thai city just across the Mekong River from Laos. The next morning we hopped off the choo choo, tuk tuked to the border, shuttle bussed across the river, and touched down in Laos at approximately 10:30am. After 25km of rice paddies and water buffalo, we arrived in Vientiane.

Vientiane is a sleepy, dusty capital where one can easily lose sense of time while sipping Beerlao beside the Mekong. In many parts of the city, the streets are unpaved mud puddles. Most of the buildings are nondescript Asian-style cement blocks or shacks nailed together with scrap wood and rusty corrogated metal. Despite local complaints, traffic is barely a problem, especially when compared to the congestion that plagues neighboring Asian countries. After a month of the Bangkok cesspool, Vientiane's peaceful provincial-style streets are a breat of fresh air, both literally and figuratively.

2005-09-20T23:38:00.000-07:00

Laos Sandwich Man

Speaks Lao, Thai, English, French, and Vietnamese. Reads Russian. Views Lao people as very open to outside cultural influence despite a paranoid government. Views Lao people as extremely friendly and harboring no ill will towards the French or Americans for past atrocities. Thinks there's too much traffic in Vientiane and can only imagine how congested Bangkok must be. Views the Thais as very friendly but somewhat arrogant in their worldview. Considers China to be Thailand's largest political influence. Believes we must be wary of nationalism because it's so often followed by war. Says that the people of the world have all suffered so much, now we must behave. Makes a seriously delicious lao-style baguette hoagie that's longer than your arm and costs less than 1 dollar.

2005-09-20T23:18:00.000-07:00

Laos:

1. officially the Lao People's Democratic Republic

2. officially a communist state (although, beginning in 1986, the government has emarked on a process of decentralization, often encouraging free enterprise)

3. total population of about 6 million

4. currency: Kip (exchange rate: 10,700 Kip to the US dollar (10,700!!)

5. infrastructure: no railroad, rudimentary roads, limited telecommunications systems, spotty electricity

6. subsistence agriculture accounts for 80% of employment

7. totally mismanaged and screwed over as a French colony between 1885 and 1954

8. bombed more heavily than any other country on earth in the 1960s (America's misdirected attempt to eliminate the Ho Chi Minh Trail)

9. one the largest global exporters of opium

10. "still fighting a ground war that ended decades ago for its primary combatants" says LET'S GO SOUTHEAST ASIA. By this, it's meant that landmines continue to pose a real threat for the Lao people, especially along the former Ho Chi Minh Trail.

2005-09-20T23:02:00.000-07:00

Getting A Propa Visa

Nonimmigrant B Visa:
To legally work in Thailand, one must possess a nonimmigrant B (business) visa. Obtaining a nonimmigrant B visa cannot be done without a stack of documents proving the legitimacy of an employer. Furthermore, obtaining a nonimmigrant B visa cannot be done from within Thailand's borders. Because most Thai schools recruit employees locally rather than internationally, the visa thing is a huge headache for English teachers.

Basically:
You have to have a job to have a nonimmigrant B visa. You have to come to Thailand to get a job. You have to leave again to get the visa. Hence, the visa run, a familiar routine for ESL teachers: catch a train or a cheap flight to a neighboring country on your day off, immediately rush to the Thai Embassy upon arrival, file a buncha nonsensical paper work, return to the Embassy the following morning, pick up your new visa, and return to Thailand in time for your next class.

Gripes:
As a a newbie to Thailand, it's really difficult to reconcile the high level of enthusiasm for English language education (both public and governmental) with all the bureaucratic roadblocks thrown before foreign teachers. This is a popular subject of debate among Thailand's expats. Some speculate that the difficulties in obtaining a proper visa are a misguided attempt to deter unqualified and illegal teachers. Some speculate that it's all just a weird money-making scheme developed by the government (visas cost the applicant 2,000B). But neither of these popular theories fully address the most confusing issue: why the hell do I have to go to Laos with a backpack full of papers before I can legally teach kindergarteners the ABC's?

2005-09-06T23:13:00.000-07:00

Teaching in Thailand

Make lotsa jokes about Britney Spears and Brad Pitt. Incorporate their Thai pop-star equivalents, Tata Young and Bird Thongchai, into every stage of your lesson. Asking children to stand during class dupes them into thinking that they're playing a game. Don't write on the whiteboard in permanent marker during the first five minutes of your first class at your new employer, IH Bangkok.

2005-09-06T23:10:00.000-07:00

Transporting Your Self: Pedicabs

At this point, urbanization has rendered Bangkok pedicabs totally extinct. However, the bicycle-drawn carriages are more common throughout the rural provinces. I saw a 1952 photo of Chiang Mai in which the streets were swarming with pedicabs. Chiang Mai pedicabs still exist today but are far less common. Those that continue to operate, as well as their drivers and passengers, appear to be dated 1952 as well.

2005-09-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

Transporting Your Self: Canal Taxis

Before it got totally polluted and paved over, Bangkok was known as the "Venice of the East." These days, the chaotic city seems undeserving of such a tranquil nickname but, nevertheless, a smaller-than-before network of oily canals still hides behind the secret back alleys.

Along the network, canal boats stop at designated piers and shuttle passengers to neighborhoods along a route. In my experience, this public transportation option is largely untouched by the skytrain-riding farangs.

To catch a canal boat: wait at a pier. Soon, a boat going in the desired direction will arrive. Its helmeted deckhands will leap to the pier and loop a tow rope around some pilings. This will cause the boat to semi-violently crash into the pier, thereby allowing you a semi-safe opportunity to jump into its covered cabin. You will be amazed to see high-heeled Thai women perform this physical feat with apparent ease. Almost immediately, the boat will speed off. A deckhand standing on the boat's railing will collect your fair. A pulley system allows passengers to tug cords and raise a blue tarp over the boats sides. Unless you care to be covered in oily canal sludge, you will want to hide behind this splash protector. Despite the fact that it's probably dumping a shitload of pollutants into Bangkok's canals, the canal boat is by far one of my favorite means of public transportation.

2005-09-06T22:57:00.000-07:00

Transporting your self: motorbike taxis

These dudes wear orange vests and cart office workers between lanes of idle taxis. They hang out on every street corner smoking cigarettes and chugging Red Bull. I'm fairly certain that they never sleep. Thai women have a talent for riding motorbike taxis side saddle at 35 mph with a lap full of groceries. In all honesty, I haven't sampled the motorbike taxi but it looks like my favorite mix of fun and danger.

2005-09-06T22:51:00.000-07:00

Transporting your self: Tuk Tuks

The modern tuk tuk is the evolutionary product of what began as the rickshaw, grew into the pedicab, and was given a noisy two-stroke engine after World War II. Basically these things are 3 wheeled urban golf carts with an Oriental flair. Supposedly, Bangkok has prohibited the further production of these pollution machines but this seems to have had very little effect on the number of those in operation. These stinky things are everywhere.

How to use: You can't walk down the street without having some dude sidle up to you with a tuk tuk offer. "Tuk tuk? tuk tuk!? tuk tuke!!" Tell the driver where you're going and negotiate a price before boarding. Once in motion, protect your lungs with a handkerchief respirator and hold on. If the driving style of tuk tuk pilots were to be described by the title of a rock album, Meatloaf's "Bat Out of Hell" would do the job. These guys are adrenalin junkies and love to tease farangs with maniacal weaving and racing.

2005-09-06T22:16:00.000-07:00

Transporting your self: Skytrain

Completed in 1999, the BTS skytrain is a future-snake slithering around above gridlocked traffic. Although I've heard it referred to as a monorail, it's obviously a duo rail (count those things dude!). Apparently, this space-age-looking human-transporter has reduced daily motor traffic by some ridiculously significant percentage. Considering the streets are currently congested around the clock, I can't imagine Bangkok's pre-skytrain traffic situation.

Regarding its effectiveness in transporting my person, the skytrain's pretty sweet and does a good job of shuttling me to all the BKK hotspots. Plus, its uber powerful air conditioning feels pretty good after you've just lost like 3 pounds in sweat at Chatuchak Market.

My only skytrain complaints relate to A) the fact that every square inch of its infrastructure seems to have been auctioned off to Nescafe as advertising space and B) my suspicion that the BTS authorities have somehow forgotten to inform the city's senior citizens of the skytrain's existence.

A) Concerning the rampant advertising: Maybe I'm just a stodgy purist about public space. Maybe I'm unfounded in my view of corporate coffee ads as ugly eyesores invading my brainwaves. In any case, I should probably commend the BTS administration in successfully soliciting the developing world's most evil empire, instant coffee, to generate revenue for public transporation.

B) Concerning the lack of elderly passengers: I really don't know what's up. It may be that the network does not cater to their transporation needs. Or it may be that older people just don't need to use it. I've also heard rumors that many elderly Thais are confused by the weird contraption. In any event, I can't help but speculate that the above 60 crowd might benefit from its ervice. Efforts to include not only senior citizens, but all potentially marginalized social groups might improve the quality of life throughout Bangers.

Skytrain footnote. The National Stadium BTS platform has somehow become the breakdancing mecca of Southeast Asia, seriously. Check the impromptu B-boy action every night between 7 and 9pm.

2005-08-26T04:48:00.000-07:00

Teaching

I gotta get some sleep.

2005-08-22T20:25:00.000-07:00

Address

We got an address and can totally receive mails:

Mike Ball and Angela Michie
Aree Condominium
Apartment 3/217
3 Soi Aree 2 Phaholyothin Road
Phayathai, Bangkok 10400
Thailand

Requested items include but are not limited to: mini disc recordings, books, magazines, artwork, manifestos, manuscripts, a laptop (preferably a powerbook but i'll settle for less), imitation meat products, a bicycle

2005-08-22T20:22:00.000-07:00

New Things:

an apartment, a cell phone, a counterfit "Polo" shirt, a desk fan, some cereal, a job.

2005-08-17T21:10:00.000-07:00

How I finally got out of Chiang Mai

I walked around for a million years trying to find a way to get out of Chiang Mai. A lot of stuff that used to be dry was now submerged in a big brown lake and this was a problem. Examples of submerged items include street signs, houses, buses, trains, and cars. I found a nice man with a dry car. He offered to take me to the train station. I told him that it might be a bad idea being that his car was not a boat. He smiled and insisted we try. "Okay," I said. Five minutes later, we were stuck and I had to raise my feet cause his Nissan sedan was full of murky water. I felt bad but he laughed. Thais exhibit excellent stress management. We continued to use his car as a boat for the next three hours. Two kilometers later, I was slushing through the train station parking lot (lake) with tickets in hand.

Epilogue:

When they sold me my ticket, the railway employees had neglected to tell me that Chiang Mai train service was canceled due to the flooding. Thais hate confrontation. It wasn't until I glanced at a newspaper headline that I learned of my predicament. I asked the nice man with the carboat If he could take me to the next town. He gladly agreed to do so, asking for only 300B in return. Thank you carboat captain. I wish you the best.

Fifteen hours later, I arrived in Bangkok with a seriously high fever. I fell asleep in a dingy, sweaty room that felt a lot like the Cambodian malaria hut of Colonel Walter Kurtz. 27 hours after that, I woke up, hopped on a skytrain, and dazzled prospective employers in a well-executed job interview.

2005-08-13T23:17:00.000-07:00

Hierarchy

According to Thai social hierarchy, teachers are third from the top, falling just behind Buddhist monks and the Royal Family.

I would gladly trade my place in this hierarchy for a salary raise. Is that controversial?

2005-08-13T23:14:00.000-07:00

Bangkok Nicknames

Bangers, BKK, the Big Mango, City of Angels (not to be confused with the North American City of Angels)

2005-08-13T22:56:00.000-07:00

Thai Patriotism

1. King Motorcade:
While walking to a restaurant, Angela and I suddenly noticed that all traffic, pedestrian and motor, was stopped dead in the streets. Normally, Bangkok is a deafening roar of engines and growling construction (when will the city be finished ?) but, within what seemed like seconds, everything was strangely quiet and still. This was especially weird for Angela and I who never know what's happening in normal circumstances, let alone why the hell someone pushed the Bangkok "pause" button. We must have looked pretty weird - a pair of farangs running across the silent street, weaving through Asian mannequins before realizing that the world had stopped. We didn't know what else to do so we stopped too. Everyone waited in silence. Seconds later, a motorcade of motorcycle police and beige Mercedes passed through the intersection. One of the oversized 1950s-style cars carried his Majesty the King. Everyone bowed their heads as he passed. When the car was out of sight, the city set back into motion and the roar returned to my ears. It felt like someone had pressed "play." How'd everyone know that guy was about to roll up?

2. National Anthem:
In Bangkok and many places in the provinces too, the Thai national Anthem is played through public loudspeakers each evening at 6pm. Pedestrians and street vendors stand at attention and listen with respect, only resuming their activities when the song is over. Just like the motorcade incident, this can be a confusing and sometimes embarrassing predicament for foreigners. Only the most attentive ear can distinguish the National Anthem from all the other Thai language songs blasted through Bangkok's streets each day. It's common to see farangs toting their shopping bags through the unmoving crowds with annoyance before realizing that they are the true jackasses.

The National Anthem is also played before movie screenings. When Angela and I went to see BATMAN BEGINS, it took us a few seconds before realizing why everyone in the theater had suddenly jumped outta their seats. When we went to see WAR OF THE WORLDS, the neohippy farang girl seated across the aisle paid the price for her ignorance with a facefull of the usher's flashlight beam.

2005-08-13T22:46:00.000-07:00

Monsoon Season

For two days, the skies opened up and totally emptied their hydro-contents all over northern Thailand. As a result, Chiang Mai is swimming beneath the flooded banks of the Ping River. We're stranded on a somewhat-less-wet old town island while dudes in flip flops throw sandbags at the waist-deep chocolate milk flowing through the streets. Angela and I climbed to the executive lounge of the the Muangtang Hotel to survey the damage. Shit looked ill.

The situation is much worse in Pai, a small town 160km north of Chiang Mai. Here, a river with a normal girth of 50 feet is now over 1,000 feet wide.

2005-08-12T20:07:00.000-07:00

Monarchy

Thailand (officially the Kingdom of Thailand) is a constitutional monarchy not unlike that of Great Britain.

Thailand's current king, HIs Majesty Bhumibol Adulyadej, is the ninth king of the Chakri Dynasty and the longest reigning king in Thai history. Born in the U.S.A. in 1927 while his father was a Harvard University medical student, His Majesty ascended the throne in 1946 at the age of 21.

Thai citizens regard their king with the upmost respect and it his highly frowned upon to speak disfavorably of the monarchy. Additionally, one is expected to honor certain social conventions regarding all images of the king. In the case of portraits or wall hangings, one should never point his feet at the image or hold his head higher than the portrait. In the case of currency, which also bears the King's portrait, one should avoid dropping or crumpling the bills.

To the untrained western eye, Thais' veneration of their king may seem undemocratic. While the reverence of the King is, to a certain degree, government-mandated, most Thais seem to maintain this reverence through their own volition, regardless of the rules. In particular, the king seems to have solidified the support of the people by unifying the nation in periods of turbulence and in the development of fairly extensive public works and education projects.

Also, the King is a renaissance man who speaks four languages, built a sailboat, plays the saxophone, and has won numerous awards for his jazz compositions.

2005-08-12T20:03:00.000-07:00

Queen's Birthday

Today is the Queen's birthday, a major national holiday throughout Thailand. Government offices and many businesses are closed as Thais pay respect. Huge portraits of the Queen surrounded by flowers and ribbons are posted at intersections all over Chiang Mai.

Additionally, International House is closed in recognition of the holiday. This means I must wait until tomorrow before contacting Chris Holmes regarding my dream job teaching at his esteemed institution. I am more than happy to procrastinate my adult responsibilities in favor of coffee-drinking and emailing.

2005-08-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

Haircuts in Foreign Countries

I got my first store-bought, professionally administered haircut since high school. I told the barber exactly what I wanted but, unfortunately, she didn't speak English and I don't speak Thai. Now I look like a marine.

2005-08-11T22:08:00.000-07:00

New Room

The wide range of accomodations available to foreigners in Chiang Mai is astounding. Last week we stayed at Lanna Guesthouse. Here, our room cost a total of less than $3/night. The guesthouse facilities included motorcycle rentals, a restaurant, nightly movie showings, trekking excursions to hilltribe villages, and a cool open-air lounge area amidst a tiered garden of rocks, plants, and fountains.

This week we're at a new spot which allows us more space and privacy. For a rate of $3.50/night we have a huge studio apartment on the third floor of a Thai family's vegetarian restaurant. The building is full of elderly tattooed Thais praying before Buddhist alters. Everyone leaves their shoes in a big pile at the base of the staircase. When we pass one another on the landing, we smile, bow, and mumble in our respective native languages.

Our room is fully furnished with tables, chairs, bureaus, desks, and a huge king-size bed. Additionally, it's got a badass plant-covered private balcony which spans the length of the building. Last night, we sat outside on stools and put back a bottle of Singha. The meandering little street below was bustling with pedicabs, tuk tuks, shoppers, and Thai teens zipping around on motor scooters.

In the time it took us to finish the beer, we watched about 3 different farang dinner parties order the $1.50 vegetarian thali at the Indian restaurant across the street. Each party was advised against ordering so much food by the portly bearded owner himself. Each party insisted that they were starving. Each party finished roughly 1/3 of their dinner. Angela and I had made the same mistake the previous night except we finished our thali. The fact that we finished the thali does not, however, make the over-ordering any less a mistake. We rolled to bed soon after dinner.

2005-08-11T21:56:00.000-07:00

TEFL Jargon

TEFL: Teaching English as a Foreign Language. The acronym refers to the field or industry of English language education.

border run: the act of crossing an international border to reactivate the limited period of time in which a foreigner may stay within a country's borders.

contact hours: The number of classroom or "face to face" time a teacher spends with his or her students, usually referred to on an hours/week basis.

CELTA: Certificate in English Language Teaching to Adults. Developed, regulated, and assessed by Cambridge University, the CELTA is the most widely recognized entry level teacher certification. The certificate is awarded after a 1 month intensive course at various language institutions around the world.

cowboy schools: Private English language isntitutes common throughout Thailand and generally characterized by their disconcern with quality education and lack of qualified teachers.

ajarn: Thai for "teacher."

IELT: International English Langauge Test. standardized test determining a student's English proficiency. Often, when a student applies to a foreign university, his or her IELTS scores are submitted alongside an application.

2005-08-09T02:15:00.000-07:00

Thai Style Profile: Farangs

Thais refer to non-Asian foreigners as "farangs." Originally, this was a mispronunciation of "foreigner" but now it's a legitimate word.

Bangkok is stuffed full of farangs. They're everywhere - riding the skytrain in rubber flip flops and khaki, drinking beer on the sidewalk with digital cameras looped around their necks, and, in general, looking kinda weird in sea of Asian faces. The majority of the Bangkok farangs fall into two categories: young neohippies or middle aged men.

The young neohippies carry LONELY PLANET beneath their arms and wear dingy earth tones and backpacker pijamas. Backpacker pijamas are an interesting phenomenon in and of themselves: baggy linen shants with a drawstring waste. These silly things are sold by the bucket on Khao San Road and other tourist meccas and are worn by all the twenty-something beer swillers in BKK. In all honesty, my sole gripe with the BPPJs is the simple fact that no Thai would be caught dead in these things and, therefore, they serve only to further alienate farangs from Thai society.

The middle aged male farang, however, rarely rocks the PJ style. Instead, his dominant fashion accessories are a fistfull of shopping bags and a young Thai woman hooked around his arm. Normally, the Thai woman doesn't seem to speak the farang's native language nor he hers. Additionally, she looks to be about half his age and twice as attractive. I'd like to give the farang the benefit of the doubt but, considering Thailand's reputation among international sex tourists, I fear the worst.

2005-08-08T06:58:00.000-07:00

Up the monx!!!

I forgot to mention: Angela and I sat at a huge teak table and talked to a Buddhist monk in a golden temple on top of righteously tall mountain in the middle of the jungle. The monk wanted to practice his English. He gave us tea but it was really just hot water. He was wearing a robe.

2005-08-08T06:18:00.000-07:00

Chiang Mai

Boasting a population of 160,000, Chiang Mai is Thailand's second largest city. While Bangkok is filled to the seems with 9 million busy-bodies and feels as if it might collapse at the end of each day, Chiang Mai is much more chill. If Bangkok is Los Angeles, then Chiang Mai is Asheville, NC.

Nestled amidst jungle-covered mountains, the northern city is filled with open-air restaurants offering vegetarian and international fare, coffee shops, and sleepy guesthouses. Orange-robed Buddhist monks wander the streets and school kids zip around on scooters. The skyline is specked with the gold temples, many of which are over 500 years old.

Angela and I rented bicycles, something unfathamable in Bangkok's traffic. Chiang Mai traffic is no joke either but the biggest challenge is remembering to ride on the left side of the road. Yesterday, we woke up early and pedaled for a million miles (kilometers) looking for a swimming hole rumored to exist outside of town. We never found the swimspot but still gave ourselves a cool tour of CM's burbs and some really badass houses - houses on stilts, sprawling slums, teak mansions, and a one room astronaut shack.

I've always felt that seeing other people's homes is one of the most interesting parts of traveling. This is especially true in Thailand where blurry boundaries barely divide domestic space, work space, and outside space. For example, it's not uncommon for a restaurant to doubly serve as someone's living room. What's more, this restaurant often lacks a fourth wall and spills onto the sidewalk, haphazardly protected from the monsoon season beneath makeshift tarps and umbrellas.

2005-08-08T06:03:00.000-07:00

Chiang Mai Update:

After a grueling month of nonstop TEFL training, Angela and I finished the CELTA monster successfully. In all honesty, I thought it was a good experience - very rewarding to work hard all day and fall asleep at night with a brain full of new data. The other trainees would probably disagree. I love to torture myself.

Now we're in Chiang Mai, sitting pretty on a 15B/hour broadband (According to XE.com, that's 36 American cents).

We got here on a longass train full of all types of backpack-wielding white people. The journey took 15 hours. We left at 8pm and fell asleep in secret bunks behind beige curtains. In the morning, Angela and I drank coffee in the dining car and watched the sites roll by. The cooks blasted some kinda awesome Thai music I've never heard before. We passed farmers hunched over rice paddies, malaria jungles, and mangy dogs that behaved as if they wanted to bite the train.

2005-08-08T05:59:00.000-07:00

OG.

I set this blog-puppy up on a wacked out internet connection and initially had some troubles. apparently, i established multiple blogs under different usernames. i just found this, my original first post from more than 1 month ago:

Chaos is me
Bangkok is a wacky whirlpool of motorized traffic, street vendors, and all kindsa people walking everywhere all at once and squeezed in on tiny sidewalks. Overhead, the skytrain carries Thai teens and businessmen through city smog and tall buildings that look like grimy egg cartons turned upright. Somewhere beneath all the craziness, there's a subway but it's a sneaky snake cause I haven't seen it yet.

Last night we moved into our new home in Siam Square. We scored a dope little room in the White Lodge. The owner even promised us a table and chairs "for your studies."

2005-07-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

Thai Style Profile: Linkin Park Fan.

The Linkin Park fan typically sports long black hair, a black Linkin Park t-shirt, black jeans, and black converse. Often he's smoking a cigarette and carrying a shopping bag. I can only assume that this shopping bag contains recently purchased neu metal CDs. Additionally, it's not unrare to encounter the Linkin Park fan's mom, especially in neighborhoods boasting a high concentration of street food vendors. She will be wearing a Linkin Park shirt but it'll look faded and old and you'll wonder where the hell she got it. Her son? Probably so.

2005-07-14T06:37:00.000-07:00

Thai Style Profile: Students

Thai students are required to wear uniforms, usually a white shirt with black pants or a skirt. Besides the occasional wacky haircut, the boys generally keep it simple. The girls, however, are a different story, especially in our part of town. You'd think that, in terms of fashionability, a school uniform is a hopeless cause. This is not the case. While the ladies' white/black clothes are compulsory, the world of shoes and accessories is left untouched by dress codes. Unregulated accessorizing has resulted in the following ajectives' applicability: big, neon, loud, blingin'.

2005-07-12T03:37:00.000-07:00

Friday marked the end of our first week of teacher training. All week we planned lessons, attended classes, and taught Thai-teens weird things like the difference between adjectives ending in -ed and those ending in -ing. The Thai-teens are pretty cool lil' dudes, very friendly and attentive students - really quite ideal. Our training instructors, however, are humorless critics with extremely high expectations. Angela and I are doing okay but two other trainees have already quit the $1400 course. The second of the two quitters is a retired high school teacher - someone with a career's worth of experience - who couldn't hack the pressure and workload. To pull it all together, Angela and I arrive at the school, ECC, around 6:30am and rarely leave before 8pm. Trainees are given free access to a bigass jar of instant coffee and this invaluable little reserve of tiny granular power crystals is the secret to my success.

Soon after Matt Hall returned from Thailand, I saw him take a shot of instant coffee chased by tap water, mixing the nasties up in his mouth with some swishyswishy work before swallowing. I now understand where he learned this wackness. Educatin's no joke and sometimes you just gotta power up with some coffee crystals.